It Happened One Night

Actually, it happens from time to time.  At 30+ years old, we've come to expect it.  That question.  The One.  That question that no matter how far into this journey we've come (which, I suppose is not so, so far) I have still yet to find a satisfying answer.  Because my satisfying answer would be "yes."

So, on New Years Eve, when our neighbors daughter-in-law asked, "Do you two have kids?"  I simply smiled, and said "No.  Not yet."  I took a drink of my soda to evade anything that would continue the conversation.  She was satisfied with the answer, the conversation was done.  I got to spend the rest of our time there eating her delicious Japanese finger food* and enjoying every second of her boys (who are 3 and 4 years old) run from end to end of the house.  Laughing, giggling, yelling at their dad for embarrassing them in front of strangers.  I struggled to understand the oldest telling us how much he wants a dog like ours.  It was awesome!  I did not cry.  I did not mourn for the child I did not have.  I did not feel sad because I was not (yet) a mother.  I simply enjoyed these wonderful, amazing children who were so full of life and so blissfully naive.  What a beautiful thing to share in!

What I wanted to say was so much different, so much more, but of course, I kept it to myself and answered as I did.  It was as much of the truth as I wanted to share with someone I had just met.  And I have SS, our mom's, and this blog for the rest of the truth.  We're trying.  And trying, is very trying.  But we're making the most of it and taking one step at a time.

Speaking of steps, the next in our plan has been completed.  Meaning that the SA has been turned in!  Woo hoo!  Talk about a huge relief.  I'm not sure why, but it was really bothering me that we weren't getting it done.  It's like the BC has put a stop to our TTC, so I'm trying to control everything else.  It still won't help in the waiting, BC still goes until April 2013.  I guess I just feel better if there's something I can control.  And for this it is the testing that needs completed.  As it turns out, SS also had some fears about the SA, but we got it done and I'm very thankful to him for going through this with me. 

And for those keeping track, here it the plan:

Step One:  LEEP (after abnormal PAP; CIN III - high grade cervical dysplasia)
Step Two:  BCP for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 months
Step Three:  cd3 blood work  (Dr. M's MA left VM stating "Normal" results)
Step Four:  SA for SS (waiting on results)
Step Five/Six:  Follow-up Appt w/ Dr. M
Step Five/Six:  HSG

*I don't remember what it was called, but it was like a steak (which they said was usually cut thinner than the cubes they were offering) with a yummy type of teriyaki/soy sauce.  I tried to remember what it was called and hope not to cause any offense.  And, if you're reading and know what it's called, please let me know so I can update :)

Two Weeks

2 weeks

14 days

336 hours

...these numbers are nothing new to me.  They're nothing new to any TTC-er.  The two week wait is famous in our world, it has it's own forum section and it is the #1 "crazy" time of anyone TTC, full of chart analysis (is that triphasic?), POAS...at LEAST once a day (is that 2nd line?).  The rest of the cycle is the 'other' two week wait.  This one forces you to get creative with calendar space...temps (it's up today, did I O?), BD days/times (practice makes perfect ;), more POAS (is the line as dark/darker?).

Today, my two weeks is neither of the above.  Today I've been taking my BC pill for two weeks.  I've definitely noticed the hormones change (poor SS :) and my face is starting to break out for the first time in years (yipee!), but I've turned off my alarm, as there is no need to temp (and no need to get upset because I missed a temp someday between cd21-25...I could have O'd and missed it!!!), I would actually have to look up what cd I am even on (cd17 if anyone was wondering, I had to log in to find the comment below :)

(as always, check the Say What? page for all of the TTC acronyms)

I do feel I've become a little more accepting of where we are in our journey to a child of our own, at least I feel a lot better tonight.  I'm nowhere near okay, but I definately don't feel as angry as I have lately, empty, but not as angry.  I still will start to cry when some random "I may never have a child of my own" thought crosses my mind, which is still at least once a day.  But to really think about it, six month is less than 1/4 of the time we've spent TTC.  And I'm still holding on (a little tighter lately, too) that we got pregnant 4 mos off BC in the beginning.  Even the comment from someone on one of my forums did not discourage me.  Of course, I have not yet investigated into what exactly she meant by "I swear if I knedw what bc can do to our bodies I never would have used it years ago" but I suppose one of these days I will.  I'm no fool to think she's off her rocker, I have people in my life who have experienced problems from BC.  But as I think I have stated :) for me, I think it helps.  It will be interesting to have a "normal" cycle...when Dr. M first asked if I had normal cycles, I just laughed at her.  "Normal for who?  I've had them as short as 23 days and long as 52 without pregnancy, lately about 38-41 days."  She just nodded, though later seemed impressed that I could pinpoint a positive OPK.  Yes, I assure, I've got horomones running rampid through my body at O time...as will SS :)  He loves me always!  I love him forever!

As these six months pass we are working our way to parenthood and having a nice, stable environment for our family.  We have recently added the journey of purchasing property.  We're starting small, there is some pretty cheap land around here (not the one above, but something like it), and we're hoping to capitalize on something special.  If nothing else, we will have a place that is "ours."  How exciting!  I feel so grown up -haha!