Whatcha Thinkin'?

Have I missed the bus?  Why didn't we see the OB/Gyn sooner?  Was I wrong to wait, to try to do this ourselves?  We changed our diets, started vitamins/supplements (by recommendations of forums posts found by Dr. Google), I started temping and using OPKs more consistently... 

They don't teach you about infertility in sex ed.  They show that crazy video of the sperm wriggling itself through the egg.  Guess what!  That's not a problem for me.  I know how to get the sperm in.  Unprotected sex, ass in the air, all the tricks in the book...and still, no babies!  Thanks for that lesson on how not to get pregnant though...really, so much help!  Abstinence only happens before a SA in this house.

Dr. M called with the SA results Tuesday. 

Good count, not so good morphology or motility :(  And, we've been busy with other household stuff, so it's kind of been put to the side.  Our options are another SA in 30 days or a referral to a urologist (but not the one in town, so we'd have to travel somewhere).  She also told me that she hasn't seen my results yet.  Which is odd #1, because they were done on THANKSGIVING! And, #2, because the MA left a message saying they were "normal."  So, she said to keep the appt on the 20th, possibly it's a quick phone call with the results, but it will be harder to re-schedule than to cancel.  Plus, she also wants to proceed with the HSG once I've healed up more.  She's just really concentrated on me being healed up!

So, that's where we are.  In need of a discussion of what to do next.  I'm glad we've started taking our vitamins on a more regular basis and balanced out our diet more :)  My best guess is we will redo the SA in a month and see what that says.  They've been known to change, at least that's what I've seen around the blogophere.  Feel free to chime in with any advice/opinions.  Comments are always welcome.  Unless I'm just talking to myself.  In which case, I comment plenty :D

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And, for your viewing pleasure, here is the plan:

Step One:  LEEP (after abnormal PAP; CIN III - high grade cervical dysplasia)
Step Two:  BCP for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 months
Step Three:  cd3 blood work  (Dr. M's MA left VM stating "Normal" results)
Step Four:  SA for SS (Good count, low morphology & motility)
Step Five:  Follow-up Appt w/ Dr. M - Feb 20th, 2013
Step Six:  HSG  (more healing before this can take place)

What Lies Ahead?

I'm a little bit of all over the place again lately.  I'm not sure why I can't kick this 'Negative Nancy' attitude I have, but it's really annoying!  I know I'm not sleeping well, and we've been traveling a lot the last couple of weeks, so I'm not feeling my complete self anyways, but there's just some kind of gloomy cloud that seems to be hanging out over my head.

Somehow, this 6-month BC plan is making me go straight to "I'll never have a baby."  I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not going to birth my own child.  I can no longer picture myself pregnant.  I don't picture myself as a mommy anymore.  I can't remember the last time I had a pregnancy dream.  I definitely haven't been terribly sad to have stopped charting, and start having sex for fun ;)  I'm just really on the fence about everything...where to go next, how much I think I can take emotionally.  Maybe it's the "infertility breakdown" I've been reading about in others' blogs (I'm still a GREAT lurker!).  Maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with these next 4 months, it's only BC for crying out loud!  No one's taken my uterus/ovaries/tubes, SS's swimmers...you know, the important stuff in TTC.

Maybe it's just everything!  SS made two comments within an hour the other day about reasons we're not parents yet...why we're not ready, blah, blah, blah.  After the second, I wanted to scratch his eyes out was in instant tears.  He asked what was wrong and I told him.  It really hurts when he says things like that.  I know he doesn't mean them as any kind of personal dig toward me, nor is he even coming close to saying that we should not be parents.  He is simply pointing out things in our life that 'the universe' may see as reasons for us not to be in charge of another human life at this point in time.  I get it, I understand completely that someone should be prepared and "ready" to have a baby.  However, I don't believe that this preparadness and getting pregnant have any correlation.  I'm actually quite certain of it, and have become great at putting myself in situations where the 'idiot gets a child' plays out in front of me, as if I needed more proof!  SS has other reasons for his parenting downfall feelings, but that's not a sharing topic.  I love him always & forever, and we will fight for what we want, what is/should be ours!  I'm just really scared of what that fight will do to me, to him, & to us.  I'm scared we won't win this fight.

We're also still waiting for the SA.  Somehow it just keeps getting put off...money, timing, etc.  And I'm certain that is not helping my mood.  Like we're somehow falling behind if we don't have answers tomorrow!  Like we don't have 4 more months to wait, regardless of what any test comes back.  I guess I just want to know...I'll worry about the waiting game to fix it and/or proceed after I know what needs fixed and how we're going to fix it.  I just want answers, something...anything.  I just want a baby in my arms!

(as always, check the Say What? page for all of the TTC acronyms)