What Lies Ahead?

I'm a little bit of all over the place again lately.  I'm not sure why I can't kick this 'Negative Nancy' attitude I have, but it's really annoying!  I know I'm not sleeping well, and we've been traveling a lot the last couple of weeks, so I'm not feeling my complete self anyways, but there's just some kind of gloomy cloud that seems to be hanging out over my head.

Somehow, this 6-month BC plan is making me go straight to "I'll never have a baby."  I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not going to birth my own child.  I can no longer picture myself pregnant.  I don't picture myself as a mommy anymore.  I can't remember the last time I had a pregnancy dream.  I definitely haven't been terribly sad to have stopped charting, and start having sex for fun ;)  I'm just really on the fence about everything...where to go next, how much I think I can take emotionally.  Maybe it's the "infertility breakdown" I've been reading about in others' blogs (I'm still a GREAT lurker!).  Maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with these next 4 months, it's only BC for crying out loud!  No one's taken my uterus/ovaries/tubes, SS's swimmers...you know, the important stuff in TTC.

Maybe it's just everything!  SS made two comments within an hour the other day about reasons we're not parents yet...why we're not ready, blah, blah, blah.  After the second, I wanted to scratch his eyes out was in instant tears.  He asked what was wrong and I told him.  It really hurts when he says things like that.  I know he doesn't mean them as any kind of personal dig toward me, nor is he even coming close to saying that we should not be parents.  He is simply pointing out things in our life that 'the universe' may see as reasons for us not to be in charge of another human life at this point in time.  I get it, I understand completely that someone should be prepared and "ready" to have a baby.  However, I don't believe that this preparadness and getting pregnant have any correlation.  I'm actually quite certain of it, and have become great at putting myself in situations where the 'idiot gets a child' plays out in front of me, as if I needed more proof!  SS has other reasons for his parenting downfall feelings, but that's not a sharing topic.  I love him always & forever, and we will fight for what we want, what is/should be ours!  I'm just really scared of what that fight will do to me, to him, & to us.  I'm scared we won't win this fight.

We're also still waiting for the SA.  Somehow it just keeps getting put off...money, timing, etc.  And I'm certain that is not helping my mood.  Like we're somehow falling behind if we don't have answers tomorrow!  Like we don't have 4 more months to wait, regardless of what any test comes back.  I guess I just want to know...I'll worry about the waiting game to fix it and/or proceed after I know what needs fixed and how we're going to fix it.  I just want answers, something...anything.  I just want a baby in my arms!

(as always, check the Say What? page for all of the TTC acronyms)

Real Quick Rundown

Wow!  This working, living, holiday traveling stuff is for the birds!  And, oh yeah, I have a blog :)  One I shamelessly hopelessly really wanted people to read... only so that I could abandon them, ha!

So, here's a quick "what we've been up to" post to calm my conscience :)

• Surprise drive to our parents' houses for Thanksgiving
• Full gas tank and cancelled parental plans = 12 1/2 hour drive for turkey :) and a visit with family/friends.  I love that we live a drivable distance away, and that our parents live only blocks from each other
• My MIL knows we'll be pregnant soon, and it will be a girl...that's what she said last year too :)
• New studded* tires on the Subaru = more travel for the holidays!
• Fighting some creepy** head cold.  So far I'm winning the fight...bring on the NyQuil & Airborne!
• cd3 blood work done, SA to come
• Timing is seeming to be an issue here.  A 45 minute commute from home in a 30 minute time limit will make it interesting for sure.  I have already apologized to SS, and hopefully prepped him for the 'embarassment' that is to come
• I'm still bruised...6 days later!  I have mean, vindictive veins, who like to roll and jump and not be poked.  And if you get them, they will only trickle blood.  This is going to be a long process :) 
• ICLW = International Comment Leaving Week (IComLeavWe)
• I should have done better.  I suck! I'm better at lurking :)  But, it's nice to see all of the support that's out there.  
• A huge THANK YOU to everyone who read/commented.  I'm far from confident in what I'm doing here, let alone that anyone wants to read it (note sucky performance above). 

*according to SS, these tires are called such not because of the 'stud' that is put into the tire, but because you get so buff from putting the 'studs' in, you yourself become a stud :)
**Slow moving creepy, not like "that's guy's a weird-o" creepy

And (because it's stuck in my head) here is the new household obsession :)  SS wakes up to them every morning lately

Furbabies

It's a girl!

My boys are too big to pick up, they do not fit on my lap (not and allow me to breathe), and they don't like to wear clothes.  The cats are so independent, I often wonder if they remember we exist.

So SS got me a baby girl.  Nell is a 12-week old Miniature Pinscher.  And I LOOOOOVE her! 

I can lift her when needed, she fits on my lap (along with the laptop :) and she loves her sweater.  But, I think that is more because she only weighs 5lbs and it is  less than 40 degrees outside.  She learned her name the first night, she's already sitting (for treats!) and she has the cutest little bark when she plays with her brothers.  She was exactly what I needed to keep me from going over the edge, the perfect distraction for the next 6 months, and for up to 15 years (nice lives these Min Pins live :) 

 My babies may have fur, but I am their mommy and without I love them.

There was also a badass drive to Reno in our new ride to get her!  And I mean badass...15 hours and 3 snow storms!  We are definately road warriors, its one of our favorite things to do :)

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A TTC note:  cd1 today, which means I get to go in for bloodwork on Thanksgiving Day!  Woo hoo! :)  At least it will give us some kind of answer, and hopefully a next move.

It's okay, we've got a plan

Plan A...to be/have been pregnant/stayed pregnant sometime in the last 2.5 years, naturally.
Plan A...not happening :(

Scratch Plan A!

Plan B*:

#1:  SS will have a SA

#2:  I will have cd3 FSH, TSH, Estradrol, Prolactin (I'm not doing all of the links, you know or look it up, sorry :)

**I'm assuming an appointment to review results**

#3:  HSG...later on down the road, we've got 6 months of BC to get through, remember?

And that's the plan.  Exciting, right? :)  I sure was excited!  So much so that I stayed up until 1am!  Whoops!!  *TGIF*

*note to other TTC-ers:  do not be naive in your Google Images search "Plan B."  It is still in fact, an emergency contraceptive.  Good thing I was in a good mood while looking :)

Sunday Driving

We took a family road trip this weekend, up to Central Oregon where we traded some stuff for a car.  I *heart* Craigslist :)  It was a nice trip.  We got to "check in" to the place we used to live.  I also added a to-do to my list, in that I'd like to take pictures along Hwy 97 and all the cute, little, rundown towns that are along it.  There's just so much "nature vs. nutrue" SS would call it.  We build a barn on top of nature, left it alnoe for years, nature weathered it.  It's beautiful really :) 

Sensi (left) & Berkeley (right)

Here's my boys "crammed" in the back with and R2D2 like a/c unit (no pic of that, sorry).  They fough like teenagers about 3/4 of the way, then finally realized there was room for one on the seat and one on the floor.  Sensi is the baby, and therefore smaller, which equates floor sleeping in Berkeley's world.  Berkeley being the oldest and spoiled-est (whoops! :)

This jack-hole trucker was not Sunday driving.  He actually seemed to be in quite the hurry, riding our arse for miles!  We did loose him some when we reached the first big hill (which, ironically, was a passing lane :)  but he quickly caught back up.  I decided he wanted his picture taken...and that I wanted one of the rides he was hauling in his trailer.  A few nice SUVs and a perfect little '78 Mustang (which I didn't get a good picture of :)  

And there she is.  The beauty of a beast we picked up...Ruby the Subaru-bie!  She's not the greatest, but not the worst.  And she will definately haul those growing boys around better than my tiny Suzuki Esteem! lol...it was time for an upgrade I suppose.

I see the OB tomorrow.  SS says that if she doesn't give us the answer we want about the direction we want to go with TTC, then we'll find another Dr.  It's nice to feels supported, even if the finances/insurance have other ides about who I can see :)