Sunday, September 30, 2012

Tick Tock

I'm not sure when it started...wanting to have a baby.  I mean, SS and I decided we wanted a baby in May 2010, but I've always wanted kids, ever since I can remember.
I mom babysitting the son of a friend.  He was six weeks old and I was four, maybe five.  My mom was on the phone or doing something, so I took it upon myself to take the baby down the hall to my room and start changing his diaper.  I remember...being 11 or 12 and asking my mom to buy a box of on sale diapers for me so that I could "mother" my dolls correctly.  I remember...gladly taking over as caregiver when my friends with babies/children needed.  I remember...people always telling me how good I was with kids, what a great mom I would be, etc.  I remember ALWAYS wanting a baby of my own!  I never imagined my life without a child.  And I hardly pictured myself at 30 with no kids, not even real potential of being pregnant.
It's funny.  I never thought about it over the years, all the bad decisions/reckless nights, all the unplanned pregnancies around me.  Nothing ever clicked that someting might be wrong.  Not until now, now that I can look back and wonder all of the things I could have done different.  SS is great, he's got all of the answers (right things to say) when I start to get down about it.  He knows exactly how we'll have a baby, whichever way we have to do it.  "Next month is our month!" has become a regular statement in our house.
It's a hard place to be, not getting pregnant.  I sat staring at the computer screen today, SS asked what was up.  "I only want to look for baby stuff."  He's told me before that I will be the most prepared pregnant person because of all the searching and "screen shopping" that I do for our babies.  We even have a box of baby stuff that we've gotten over the years for when our baby does come.  SS told me it was better than "only wanting" heroin.  I feel like a crazy person, we seriously compared my wanting a baby and need to incesently look for baby stuff and 'how to get pregnant' online to a heroin addiction.  I love SS, in so many ways no one will ever understand :)  I suppose it's a coping mechanism of some sort (perhaps something else I can look up, Google is a great question answerer!), other times I just cry.  Sometimes I just don't know what else to do.  Meanwhile, that clock just ticks away, and I'm hoping for a baby before the alarm goes off.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

How did you get here?

I was looking for quotes to sum up how I was feeling one day, and came across what is now a special blog.  She knew how I felt and was putting it into words.  Over the next couple of up-to-late nights, I read and read and read.  There was laughter and tears, and lots of 'OMG she sounds like me' moments.  It was a great read, and I'm grateful to her for sharing her story.  I hope to one day introduce myself and hopefully gain a friend, but today I'm a chicken :)  Because of this blog, I've decided to try to put into my own words what I am feeling, who I am, and what I'm up to.  I'm not sure I'll be any good at it, but I'm certain you will tell me :)

I'm not a great communicator (it's a perpetual work in progress).  I do feel, however, that I'm better with pen and paper/blog and keyboard.  I can slow down, re-read, re-think and re-do.  It's easier for me to fully express what I want to say.  I like easier.  So, for these reasons, I would like to hopefully reconnect with some of those people that I have lost touch with and miss in my life in hopes that I can share the next stage of my life as well as the last.  Thank you to those of you who know who you are, I'm appreciative and thankful to the moments and memories we've shared and hope we can continue.

Another reason for the blog is that through the blog above I learned about a sisterhood.  One that women are not fighting their way to get in, but one that many are an unspoken member of.  And I am a member of that sisterhood.  Made up of those of us suffering infertility and/or loss.

I'm still not sure that I'll be able to put everything into words, but I'm going to give it my best shot.  Please be warned, that these discussions could be unpretty.  They're personal (anatomy and whatnots),  they're angry and jaded (attitudes are not pretty), and sometimes it's all about me (prone to selfishness and why me's?).  But you'll also get to learn about how I got here and where I'm going.  So, sit back, suck it up and deal with it.  If you don't want to, thank you for stopping by but we ask that you keep your opinion to yourself and continue on.  Thank you!