Sunday, September 30, 2012

Tick Tock

I'm not sure when it started...wanting to have a baby.  I mean, SS and I decided we wanted a baby in May 2010, but I've always wanted kids, ever since I can remember.
I mom babysitting the son of a friend.  He was six weeks old and I was four, maybe five.  My mom was on the phone or doing something, so I took it upon myself to take the baby down the hall to my room and start changing his diaper.  I remember...being 11 or 12 and asking my mom to buy a box of on sale diapers for me so that I could "mother" my dolls correctly.  I remember...gladly taking over as caregiver when my friends with babies/children needed.  I remember...people always telling me how good I was with kids, what a great mom I would be, etc.  I remember ALWAYS wanting a baby of my own!  I never imagined my life without a child.  And I hardly pictured myself at 30 with no kids, not even real potential of being pregnant.
It's funny.  I never thought about it over the years, all the bad decisions/reckless nights, all the unplanned pregnancies around me.  Nothing ever clicked that someting might be wrong.  Not until now, now that I can look back and wonder all of the things I could have done different.  SS is great, he's got all of the answers (right things to say) when I start to get down about it.  He knows exactly how we'll have a baby, whichever way we have to do it.  "Next month is our month!" has become a regular statement in our house.
It's a hard place to be, not getting pregnant.  I sat staring at the computer screen today, SS asked what was up.  "I only want to look for baby stuff."  He's told me before that I will be the most prepared pregnant person because of all the searching and "screen shopping" that I do for our babies.  We even have a box of baby stuff that we've gotten over the years for when our baby does come.  SS told me it was better than "only wanting" heroin.  I feel like a crazy person, we seriously compared my wanting a baby and need to incesently look for baby stuff and 'how to get pregnant' online to a heroin addiction.  I love SS, in so many ways no one will ever understand :)  I suppose it's a coping mechanism of some sort (perhaps something else I can look up, Google is a great question answerer!), other times I just cry.  Sometimes I just don't know what else to do.  Meanwhile, that clock just ticks away, and I'm hoping for a baby before the alarm goes off.

No comments:

Post a Comment