Sunday, September 30, 2012
I remember...my mom babysitting the son of a friend. He was six weeks old and I was four, maybe five. My mom was on the phone or doing something, so I took it upon myself to take the baby down the hall to my room and start changing his diaper. I remember...being 11 or 12 and asking my mom to buy a box of on sale diapers for me so that I could "mother" my dolls correctly. I remember...gladly taking over as caregiver when my friends with babies/children needed. I remember...people always telling me how good I was with kids, what a great mom I would be, etc. I remember ALWAYS wanting a baby of my own! I never imagined my life without a child. And I hardly pictured myself at 30 with no kids, not even real potential of being pregnant.
It's funny. I never thought about it over the years, all the bad decisions/reckless nights, all the unplanned pregnancies around me. Nothing ever clicked that someting might be wrong. Not until now, now that I can look back and wonder all of the things I could have done different. SS is great, he's got all of the answers (right things to say) when I start to get down about it. He knows exactly how we'll have a baby, whichever way we have to do it. "Next month is our month!" has become a regular statement in our house.
It's a hard place to be, not getting pregnant. I sat staring at the computer screen today, SS asked what was up. "I only want to look for baby stuff." He's told me before that I will be the most prepared pregnant person because of all the searching and "screen shopping" that I do for our babies. We even have a box of baby stuff that we've gotten over the years for when our baby does come. SS told me it was better than "only wanting" heroin. I feel like a crazy person, we seriously compared my wanting a baby and need to incesently look for baby stuff and 'how to get pregnant' online to a heroin addiction. I love SS, in so many ways no one will ever understand :) I suppose it's a coping mechanism of some sort (perhaps something else I can look up, Google is a great question answerer!), other times I just cry. Sometimes I just don't know what else to do. Meanwhile, that clock just ticks away, and I'm hoping for a baby before the alarm goes off.