Wednesday, October 24, 2012


That's what I did when I saw this today.  Crazy, not pregnant and not going to be for at least six months, ol' me today, decided to do some playing with a Due Date calculator.  And that's with high hopes of getting pregnant right off of BC.  I guess it just put it into perspective...and it definately didn't help my pessimistic pregnancy mood.  I hope to be out of it one day.  And on that day I'll have a baby in my belly/arms...however it gets there.  But as of late, it's much of the same.  I just feel like I won't ever be pregnant.  SS topped it today too, saying he's not giving up on a baby of our own, but he's mentally preparing for the reality of adoption.  I'm not ready for that now.  It's like a bad word to me...instant tears!  Not that I wouldn't or don't want to or haven't thought about it.  There are adoption websites saved right along with infertility...I think they pretty much go hand in hand.  But I want my OWN baby.  Part SS, part me..Our baby.

"Maybe we'll be lucky like your friend.  Get twins, then get twins.  Four babies!"  SS was referring to the story I told him of my teacher adopting after TTC (which I now have a WAY better understanding of).  They adopted twins, and shortly after (a few months) found out they were pregnant themselves, leading into the discovery of a twin pregnancy.  Four babies in less than two years!  She was an amazing woman...exactly what this 1st grader needed.  And I didn't even know it then.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Time Out

It's been a long month for this girl, and it's not over yet.  But a "milestone" today... I put a halt to something that has been a big part of me for the last 2+ years.

Today I was officially diagnosed with Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasia (CIN - Grade III), treated with a loop electrosurgical excision procedure (LEEP), followed by (or actually starting with based on scheduling dates) birth control for 6 months to ensure complete healing before carrying a baby.  Meaning...It's time to take a time out from TTC.  And  I'm not sure how I feel about it. 

On one hand, it will be nice to not have to stress, worry, or question symptoms for a while.  To not have to be upset for days every month because of another BFN.  It felt a little surreal this afternoon when I placed my BC prescription on top of a box of OPKs, they seem so unnecessary now.  They'll be expired by the time I'm off BC and there'll be no need for them until then.  I think I'll keep charting, at least my BBT, mostly out of curiosity of what the supplements and BC will do for it's current erratic tendancies.
*Acronyms above defined here

On the other hand, that's 6 more months to tack on to this ever growing counter...
...and another candle on my birthday cake before I'm a mom.

It's funny, SS and I had talked about going back on BC previously, but I had been procrastinating actually making that move.  Now Dr. M wants me to take it for the sake of pregnancy and strong healthy cervix to support it.

It did make me feel good today when Dr. M was the one who suggested the frustration of TTC for 2 years.  I could see that she understood what that really meant.  I really do like that office, everyone has been so nice, friendly, and explanatory.  It's been a great experience so far, regardless of the reasoning for my visits.  I'm really glad I found it, and I'm definately glad I went in.

I do suppose... if looking at the bright side, we did get pregnant last time only 4 months after stopping BC.  But that's another blog for another time.  Something I haven't even completely opened up to myself about yet.