Wednesday, January 2, 2013

It Happened One Night

Actually, it happens from time to time.  At 30+ years old, we've come to expect it.  That question.  The One.  That question that no matter how far into this journey we've come (which, I suppose is not so, so far) I have still yet to find a satisfying answer.  Because my satisfying answer would be "yes."

So, on New Years Eve, when our neighbors daughter-in-law asked, "Do you two have kids?"  I simply smiled, and said "No.  Not yet."  I took a drink of my soda to evade anything that would continue the conversation.  She was satisfied with the answer, the conversation was done.  I got to spend the rest of our time there eating her delicious Japanese finger food* and enjoying every second of her boys (who are 3 and 4 years old) run from end to end of the house.  Laughing, giggling, yelling at their dad for embarrassing them in front of strangers.  I struggled to understand the oldest telling us how much he wants a dog like ours.  It was awesome!  I did not cry.  I did not mourn for the child I did not have.  I did not feel sad because I was not (yet) a mother.  I simply enjoyed these wonderful, amazing children who were so full of life and so blissfully naive.  What a beautiful thing to share in!

What I wanted to say was so much different, so much more, but of course, I kept it to myself and answered as I did.  It was as much of the truth as I wanted to share with someone I had just met.  And I have SS, our mom's, and this blog for the rest of the truth.  We're trying.  And trying, is very trying.  But we're making the most of it and taking one step at a time.

Speaking of steps, the next in our plan has been completed.  Meaning that the SA has been turned in!  Woo hoo!  Talk about a huge relief.  I'm not sure why, but it was really bothering me that we weren't getting it done.  It's like the BC has put a stop to our TTC, so I'm trying to control everything else.  It still won't help in the waiting, BC still goes until April 2013.  I guess I just feel better if there's something I can control.  And for this it is the testing that needs completed.  As it turns out, SS also had some fears about the SA, but we got it done and I'm very thankful to him for going through this with me. 

And for those keeping track, here it the plan:

Step One:  LEEP (after abnormal PAP; CIN III - high grade cervical dysplasia)
Step Two:  BCP for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 months
Step Three:  cd3 blood work  (Dr. M's MA left VM stating "Normal" results)
Step Four:  SA for SS (waiting on results)
Step Five/Six:  Follow-up Appt w/ Dr. M
Step Five/Six:  HSG

*I don't remember what it was called, but it was like a steak (which they said was usually cut thinner than the cubes they were offering) with a yummy type of teriyaki/soy sauce.  I tried to remember what it was called and hope not to cause any offense.  And, if you're reading and know what it's called, please let me know so I can update :)

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