Thursday, December 13, 2012

What Lies Ahead?

I'm a little bit of all over the place again lately.  I'm not sure why I can't kick this 'Negative Nancy' attitude I have, but it's really annoying!  I know I'm not sleeping well, and we've been traveling a lot the last couple of weeks, so I'm not feeling my complete self anyways, but there's just some kind of gloomy cloud that seems to be hanging out over my head.

Somehow, this 6-month BC plan is making me go straight to "I'll never have a baby."  I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not going to birth my own child.  I can no longer picture myself pregnant.  I don't picture myself as a mommy anymore.  I can't remember the last time I had a pregnancy dream.  I definitely haven't been terribly sad to have stopped charting, and start having sex for fun ;)  I'm just really on the fence about everything...where to go next, how much I think I can take emotionally.  Maybe it's the "infertility breakdown" I've been reading about in others' blogs (I'm still a GREAT lurker!).  Maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with these next 4 months, it's only BC for crying out loud!  No one's taken my uterus/ovaries/tubes, SS's know, the important stuff in TTC.

Maybe it's just everything!  SS made two comments within an hour the other day about reasons we're not parents yet...why we're not ready, blah, blah, blah.  After the second, I wanted to scratch his eyes out was in instant tears.  He asked what was wrong and I told him.  It really hurts when he says things like that.  I know he doesn't mean them as any kind of personal dig toward me, nor is he even coming close to saying that we should not be parents.  He is simply pointing out things in our life that 'the universe' may see as reasons for us not to be in charge of another human life at this point in time.  I get it, I understand completely that someone should be prepared and "ready" to have a baby.  However, I don't believe that this preparadness and getting pregnant have any correlation.  I'm actually quite certain of it, and have become great at putting myself in situations where the 'idiot gets a child' plays out in front of me, as if I needed more proof!  SS has other reasons for his parenting downfall feelings, but that's not a sharing topic.  I love him always & forever, and we will fight for what we want, what is/should be ours!  I'm just really scared of what that fight will do to me, to him, & to us.  I'm scared we won't win this fight.

We're also still waiting for the SA.  Somehow it just keeps getting put, timing, etc.  And I'm certain that is not helping my mood.  Like we're somehow falling behind if we don't have answers tomorrow!  Like we don't have 4 more months to wait, regardless of what any test comes back.  I guess I just want to know...I'll worry about the waiting game to fix it and/or proceed after I know what needs fixed and how we're going to fix it.  I just want answers, something...anything.  I just want a baby in my arms!

(as always, check the Say What? page for all of the TTC acronyms)

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